anything Black

Being Black can be stressful sometimes. After a hard days work at a mediocre dead-end job the Black individual deserves some respite. So whats a Black person to do to rid themselves of this stress. Laugh. They say laughter is the best medicine, this is where Comic View comes into play.

For those of you who do not know what Comic View is let me explain. Comic View is a Black-oriented stand-up comedy show, which gave many Black comedians their start. Think, D.L Hughley and Cedric the Entertainer. The best thing about Comic View is the absence of Larry the Cable Guy, Dane Cook, and lame white jokes. Comic View is keepin’ it real in full effect.

An enjoyable part of Comic View is the introduction/theme song. Many a times you will hear Black folk’ singing along. If you are white or have not watched an episode of Comic View I’ll provide the lyrics for you. This may come in handy when trying to befriend a Black person. Lyrics-

Comic View on B.E.T.,
Coming to you six nights a week,
Get ya laugh on, hey!
Everybody get ya laugh on.

For white people: If you are engaged in conversation with a Black person, and an awkward silence occurs, spontaneously bust out in the Comic View theme song. This will show that you have culture and also watch Comic View at every possible occasion. To further reinforce that you watch B.E.T, mention Bruce Bruce and how you love the way he makes fun of his own obesity. Also, claim that Comic View was “oh so much” better before it went to New Orleans.

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Humans cannot live in peace and harmony all the time, so we engage in pointless arguments. Some enjoy arguments more than others. Black people seem to find themselves in an argument 2-4 times a week, whether it’s a family member, co-worker, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, or spouse. When these arguments occur, the Black individual has two choices.

Choice #1: Walk Away to deflate the situation.

Choice #2: Keep it real.

85% of the time Black people will go for choice #2. This is because Black people love “Keepin’ It Real.” Definition - Staying true to your “roots”(Real), priorities, or principles as a person and applying them to a certain type of a event or situation. Another term for Keepin’ it Real is real talk. This is the equivalent of Keepin’ it Real, mainly used in the South.

Keepin’ it real gives a sense of pride to the Black individual. One who is keepin’ it real will stick to what they believe in, even if it’s completely absurd. Upon arguing with a Black person, do not attempt to escalate the situation. The last thing you want to deal with is a Black individual when they’re keepin’ it real due to the fact that the most common outcome is normally a fistfight or worse. If you are not Black and find yourself in a situation where a Black male or female is keepin’ it real, evacuate the area as soon as possible.

“Keepin’ it Real” is a known staple in the Black community. If you see a loud argument in public don’t be alarmed, just realize they’re just keepin’ it real. Even religious leaders in the Black community participate. Remember, Weeks and Bynum, the kicking, the stomping, the sermons. Yeah, he sure did keep it real. Too real.

Exhibit A. - Keepin It Real + A Cheeseburger.

Remember, sometimes keepin’ it real is a good thing. Ever had someone keep it real with you?

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What would you do if this was you? I know for a fact my friends would never let me live it down. My man T-Mac is even laughin’ at the poor dude.

Our grandparents got em’, our parents got em’, we got em’, and most likely our children will get them too. Judging from the title you probably already know what I’m talking about. Yep, that’s right. A good ole’ whooping. A whooping so good it’ll leave not only your booty raw, but your hands too from trying to cover up your ass. Now no Black parent really enjoys giving a whooping, but a whooping sure does a lot more than timeout. This is why giving a whooping is the preferred choice of discipline by African-American parents.

There are many tools available to successfully administer a lesson-teaching whooping. Obviously the most famous is a belt, but anything can be used from an extension cord to a wooden spoon or even a switch. If you’ve seen the TV movie The Jacksons: An American Dream, you’ll remember the scene where the boys are messing up during rehearsal and Joe Jackson instructs one of the boys to “go get the switch”. Retrieving the switch/belt is almost as awful as the whooping itself due to the suspense. This can be one of the longest, most excruciating walks of your childhood.

To more effectively enforce the rules, remember to reiterate them to child through clenched teeth between blows. From this moment on, the child will anchor those words along with the memory of the whooping which prevents them from misbehaving in the future.

A whooping not only sets the child straight, but it ensures that the child will not make that same mistake twice, because the consequences will be worse. Everyone remembers their first whooping, it’s a life-changing experience. Time-out just doesn’t hack it, after a whooping has been administered, most children are sent to their rooms, so really it’s a two-for-one deal.

A public whooping is not a rare event in the Black community. In such cases, the weapon of choice is usually the palm of your hand. Although public whoopings are regular, if the whooping is severe enough and you are seen by a fellow church member, be prepared to overhear something on the grapevine about an abusive father or mother who takes out their anger on their children, even though this may not be the case.

Remember going to get the belt from your parents room, and taking a detour to stuff your pants with as many clothes as possible to soften the blows, only to get caught and receive a worse whooping because of your deception?

Have you ever been sent to get the belt and came back and saying you couldn’t find the belt and got in more trouble?

How about getting in trouble, and thinking you aren’t getting a whooping, and finally going to sleep, only to get called out of bed to get an unexpected bedtime whooping?

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See if you can get it the first time around, I didnt. Sorry for posting so many videos.

So what is Obama cookin? First off Obama is cooking up an _ _ _ whooping for Rev Wright. Obama is figuring out a way to work back into the hearts of the supporters he lost due to Rev. Wrights antics. Obama’s mad and he’s cooking some Soul Food right now, and Rev. Wright is not invited to dinner. Obama is formulating a plan to win over the public once and for all with an amazing rendition of MLK’s I have a Dream speech about uniting the Nation. Obama is cooking up plans for the White House housewarming event. Obama is the man. Obama is cooking up a plan to make Hillary look bad without involving himself in it. If he fails, Obama is cookin up a plan to have Hillary as his VP.

What do you think Obama’s cooking?

There is a fine line between being fashionably late and being rude and Black people know how to walk that line with the utmost talent. Depending on the style or type of event, Black people have mastered the art of being “fashionably late.” This means to show up to an event after the scheduled time, but not too late. This gives the effect that the person was not in a rush to make an appearance at the event, because it is not a big deal to them.

Contrary to the white person, a black individual will rarely be on time to a scheduled appointment meeting or occasion. The only time a Black male will voluntarily be on-time or even early is when there is a substantial amount of money involved.

Unless it is a family event, Black people refuse to be the first people to show up at a party. In the Black culture being the first to a party is looked down upon, and unfortunately you lose social value. If you have no choice but to be early, make sure you bring an attractive member of the opposite sex, or a great gift, this might justify your actions.

In order to be fashionably late, you arrive at the event anywhere from 45 minutes to 1 hour and a half after the event has started. Make sure to make your arrival known, so everyone at the party comes and greets you, making you look more important, as if the party didn’t really start until you got there.

Common “Excuses” for being fashionably late are: I got stuck in traffic. My baby Momma was tripping. And I was getting my hair did.

Rumors: Martin Luther King was late to his famous I have a Dream speech. Rosa Parks only sat on that seat on the bus, because she was late for a housewarming event. James Brown was late to his funeral.

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Around the age of 30 when many black people are unsatisfied with their lives, they feel the need to make major changes. When a black person becomes tired of the jovial experiences they’ve sustained in the Black church, they tend to seek out another religion in efforts to regain the void in their lives due to the recent loss of interest in the Black church. This is where Islam comes into play.

At first it is very hard to adjust to the changes of being a Muslim because a Black man he may be shunned by members of his former Church, he has to locate a Mosque to surround himself with fellow Muslims, and the hardest task he must complete is eradicating pork from his diet. This frustrates the Black man because he is used to having extra bacon on his plate every morning.

Besides the loss of pork, Islam has its plus sides. Being a Black Muslim automatically shoots you up a social class. You’re now able to wear traditional African outfits, Kufi hat included, without being a poser. You can also brag about how you are intellectually superior to other African-Americans, how you despise pork (yeah right), and how reading the Qur’an every night gives more gratification than having intercourse with a member of the opposite sex.

When a Black man converts to Islam he feels as if he is doing something great for his community. When approached by a Black man whom you suspect has recently converted to Islam make sure you ask him, “Are you a Muslim?” After he says yes, make sure to respond, “Assalam alaikum.” Most likely he will smile and respond with the same phrase. You have earned the trust of a Muslim which may spare you your life in the future if he happens to become an Islamic Extremist.

Converting to Muslim makes a Black male feel more intact with his cultural self. If you are not a follower of Muhammad I advise you to not ask a Black male why he converted to Islam. Many a time, he will try to convert you or speak foully of your religion. If you are caught in the previous situation with a passionate Islam convert, the best thing to do is mention the following names: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar or Muhammad Ali. Using these names you may be able to deflect the situation and speak about sports instead.

Note* - If you are white do not say negative things about Malcolm X to a Black Islamic convert. The conversation will take a turn for the worse. Some converts also go all natural. If you happen to be speaking to one with terrible body odor, do not offer them deodorant, this is considered offensive.

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